Abby Huot by Paul Buceta

Written by Abby Huot / Photo by Paul Buceta

I’ve been single since 2012. Maybe some of you can relate when I say this: WTF happened to dating?

When you’re 33 and single, people start to look at you sideways and wonder what’s wrong with you. Nay, that engagement didn’t work out for me so well a few years ago and the details of it border on laughable. Society has a bizarre way of making you question if you’re broken, insane, or smell bad if you’re not hooked into a relationship by the time you’re this age.

I was tossed back into the single life unexpectedly at 30 years old and I couldn’t believe the shift that had happened in the four years I’d been out of it. Anyone else remember when guys would want to take you to dinner? How about paying for it? How about actually wanting to meet you and spend time with you?

Dating now is fraught with a culture of douchebaggery that is at higher heights than ever. The ability to do a drive-by in appropriate message safe behind the confines of a screen is easy peasy for the average dink who has access to a smart phone or a computer. Tinder and online dating sights are fraught with guys expecting you to show up to their house with your pants off. I’ve been on dates where the tab is $30 between the two of us and the guy winces and says “Ooooh. Ouch, can we split it?”

I’m all about women’s rights, but for the love of God, is it so hard to find a guy that’s not a dick to you? Rather, why does it feel like you have discovered a glitter unicorn if a guy actually wants to be a gentleman rather than trying to send you pictures of his cash and prizes on the first conversation?

My single girlfriends and I often laugh heartily at the crap that we’ve been through. One of my best friends was on a date with a guy who was talking about what a gentleman he was throughout dinner. She went to the bathroom, came back, and the guy had exited the restaurant and left her with the tab. This from a girl who is as sweet as pie and hysterically funny as you wouldn’t believe. I myself have gone out on dates with seemingly normal people, only to find out they have a weird fetish, they are fresh out of prison, are married, or want me to come over to “snuggle” before even meeting me. I once gave a guy my phone number at my office, and he called me for the first time… furiously masturbating. What in the actual fuck?

I have a tip for the guys out there who seem to have forgotten the art of being a gentleman. If you want a good woman, please follow the following guidelines:

  1. Don’t assume we want to nail you. Because we don’t. Even if we do, you’re not going to get it on round one of meeting, so calm the hell down.
  2. Don’t assume we want any kind of photographs of your genitals. Because nobody wants that ever.
  3. Be nice. If you wouldn’t say it in front of your boss, mother, sister, or grandmother, don’t say it to us.
  4. Open doors, pull out chairs, and actually wine and dine us. Get to know us. We’re actually people, you know. And most of us have brains and ambitions, we’re not just a set of boobs, you know.
  5. Court us. Seriously. Get to know us, be genuinely romantic.
  6. Be up front. If you’re looking for one night stands, be honest about it. Women aren’t dumb. Don’t pretend to be something you’re not. Maybe there are women who want that, but the vast majority don’t.
  7. This one is a hard pill to swallow, but hear me out. If you don’t bring the same things to the table, don’t expect it to work out. Meaning, if you’re in your 30s living in your mom’s basement, you don’t have a job, you don’t have a car, and you’re looking to freeload off someone, don’t be surprised if we go ahead and decline your request. I myself am a business owner and incredibly independent. I see through people very easily. If you don’t bring the same things to the table, you can’t possibly expect anyone to be jumping for joy if you’re expecting them to financially support you and give you rides. That doesn’t make is bitches. That makes us have normal expectations as adult females. Get your shit together if you want a woman who has hers together.

Good guys exist out there. I’m confident of it. Chivarly may be rare, but isn’t dead. Don’t give up hope. Stay happy and independent, don’t settle, and don’t put up with any crap.

Liberate yourself by removing those numbers you don’t need from your phone anymore. If you don’t want to lose the numbers, at least have fun with it. One of my personal favorite things to do is to change text ringtones to the Price is Right losing game sound, just so that if anyone who sucks contacts me, I get a laugh out of it.

Love yourselves, avoid the crap, and don’t give up hope that better things are coming to you. For every douchebag you’re cursed with, you’re one step closer to finding the real thing.

Love and light,

Abby